Fear of failure

“What’s the point?”, “Why bother?”, “What chance have I got?”. These phrases and many more are commonly used by people who have given up on aspirations and dreams and resorted to developing excuses that they hope will somehow explain the sense of failure that they fear is inevitable. Fear of failure leads to us having a sense of inadequacy, which can all too easily prevent us from trying things that could ultimately benefit us. In reality all that has happened is that the person has not been successful in something they have tried or done and surely we should recognise that at least they gave it a go. I would argue that accepting you have been unsuccessful will lead you to have another go, however having a fear of failure may well result in just accepting defeat.

Many of the children we look after experience fear of failure, in their placement, in school or in their relationships, and unless we acknowledge and respond to that fear then failure becomes their reality. Placement breakdowns and school exclusions are far too common experiences for many looked after children and can all too easily lead to the child having those phrases (at the start of this blog) in their head. If that’s the mindset you walk around with then failure really does become almost inevitable.

Foster carers work with exceptionally complex issues day in, day out and setbacks, frustrations, confusion and feeling emotionally drained are common occurrences that most foster carers accept as part of their role and cope with remarkably well. But it would be a huge mistake to think because they are coping that support is not necessary. There are times in all our lives when we need help, but being open, brave and honest enough to acknowledge and act on that is not always as easy because we worry that others may perceive us as being inadequate in some way or as having failed.

We live in a world today where people who don’t know us, other than through some form of social media, are constantly judging us. Or we are judged and criticised by people we do know; but rather than express their views to us face to face they do it on social media. The impact on anyone, but especially children, can be devastating. Most of us thrive on peer acceptance and when that is not forthcoming it is easy to feel inadequate, less worthy than our peers and in some way that we have failed. Again, the reality is not that we have failed but rather that we have not lived up to someone else’s expectations. But I would ask why does someone else’s expectations matter more than our own.

Being a foster carer is not something that the majority of the population would even give a second thought to. Those who become approved as foster carers often have aspirations and dreams for the children and young people they foster, much like the ones they would have for any birth children or grandchildren they might have. However there is a huge difference in supporting a child in achieving their aspirations and dreams from a foundation of nurturing, acceptance, trust and love and trying to help a child whose experience is one of distrust, fear and rejection.

There is a danger that we set our aspirations too high. We understandably want the children we care for to achieve to the best of their ability and we set our aspirations at a level that matches what we believe the child is capable of. However, sometimes the aspiration that the child has is just to get through the day without experiencing abuse or being rejected. Recovery can be a lengthy process so that is why the aspiration we have for the children in our care is to provide them with the security of knowing that the adults at New Chapters will always be their strongest advocates. We may falter and stumble at times but failure is not an option.